Saturday, March 6, 2010

Baby Worries

We've officially started trying to have another baby.  We started in October but both in October and November either me or D were sick during the prime conception time.  I didn't realize it until now but December and January were very stressful with my father's passing in January.  February was the first month we were trying and in a good place.

I have mixed emotions about conceiving.  Thrilled, scared, nervous, anxious, positive, hopeful, and full of desire for another child. After having to terminate the last pregnancy at 6 months I can't help but go over every little detail of that pregnancy and compare it to how I'm feeling right now.  With P I didn't realize I was pregnant until I was 9 weeks along.  With the second I knew right away mostly because I felt so awful.  My gut feeling told me something was off but I kept telling myself every pregnancy is different so I shouldn't compare.  

I know what happened last time was a fluke.  We did several genetic tests and an autopsy to eliminate any risks for future pregnancies.  I keep telling myself that it's like winning the many people win it more than once?  

The last couple days my body has felt off.  I feel bloated and have awful acid reflux. I'm craving protein and cheese.  All effects during my pregnancy with P.  Could I really be having them when I would only be pregnant for a week.....if I even am!

My biggest fear right now is not being able to conceive.  I know I'm older, but at almost 38 I should still be ok.  I freak out that maybe the abortion is now hindering the process.  That thought came to me in the middle of sex one time.  Talk about ruining the mood!  With both of the prior pregnancies we conceived right away.  We couldn't get the words out fast enough "lets have a baby", when boom it happened.  

I'm trying to not think about it.  I'm trying to be as happy-go-lucky as I was when we conceived P.  I'm trying to think positive and to visualize our life with another child in it.  But even that thought worries me.  Can I handle two?  One is pretty tough. Can we really juggle two?????