Notes to G: mango

Dearest Gemma,
You ate mango for the first time on Sunday. Actually, this is officially the first thing you ate! The water mellon you had before you just licked but the mango you ate. You had a little piece that I had you gum into a mush before you swallowed it.  It was amazing to watch your interest in a solid.  You wanted more so I nursed you and the following morning you had three big poopy diapers. It's a little nerve wrecking to feed you right now because I don't want you to choke on anything.  You, like me seem to choke on your own saliva so I'm a bit worried about food. We'll be ok though.

xoxo
Mama

Breast Feeding

Thankfully breast feeding is going much better this time around.  With Annika I had mastitis five times in the first month.  My milk dried up and it was utterly painful to nurse her directly.  For a couple weeks we had to give her formula and for several weeks I had to pump until my breast healed and she could latch on without me bleeding.  It was a rough start but I was determined to breast feed.  

Sometime around 6 months I was in a restaurant nursing Annika and I saw my reflection in a mirror.  I finally looked like one of those women in magazines nursing. It was easy, Annika latched on easy.  I was bonding with my baby and I looked so beautiful and maternal.  Finally!  Six months after starting I was finally where I imagined I'd be from day one.  No one tells you it's an adjustment and a learned art.  

Now with Gemma it's been a different adventure.  Now I know that just because the baby sleeps through the night it doesn't mean your boobs can hold all that milk through the night to.  This time I have a pump ready to use the minute I feel engorged. Now I know what feeling engorged feels like and when it's time to pump. I also know how to massage myself in the shower and how to check for hard spots which are the precursor to mastitis.  I now know to use nipple shields as my nipples get use to all the action.  This time I had no expectations of it being easy from the get go. And I definitely now know that it may take months before I have that maternal glow as I nurse.  At fourteen weeks I'm not quite there yet. 

Gemma has been a funny eater.  The amount of milk that flows from me was initially too much for her.  She's finally getting big enough to make it through an entire feeding without choking. She is a loud eater.  At night she wakes Dave up with all her lip smacking and grunting. I find it funny, he not so much.  She has hated being put on the boob, she wants to do it herself and she's finally getting big enough to do that.  However, she still misses the mark or doesn't know she's on it and gets frustrated all the same.  She hates the cover when in public.  Probably because she gets hot easy and we're in summer in Southern California. But she latches on fine and eats well, cluster feeding in the mornings after the long sleep and again right before going to bed at night. 

As for me, it started out so painful that I chipped two teeth and my jaws were aching for weeks from biting down.  My legs were cramping and I finally realized it was from bracing myself for the pain every time we nursed.  I was clinching every muscle in my body.  I was also frustrated that Gemma had such a hard time getting on.  I have a masseuse who comes to the house every two weeks. She's helped me a lot and once we identified where the tension was coming from I was able to relax and so has Gemma.  It's now a thousand times easier as the tension has gone.  It still hurts when I get the milk let down. Ironically it's the breast she is not on that hurts the most. Since Gemma doesn't like the cover I tend to feed her in the car or somewhere where I don't need to use it. Other than that we're doing well.  

It's been hard but for me it's worth it.  I saw how awful Annika felt on formula so I'm glad I haven't had to use it this time.  In fact, I have so much milk I'm not afraid to spill it or throw it out when it's gone bad.  I have 30-40oz in the freezer that have come from the times I feel engorged.  There's a million reasons why I feel breastfeeding is better for the baby's health. However, my main reason which is unrelated to health is because I'm able to introduce her to different flavors and foods through my milk.  I love to cook and travel. I hope my children will look forward to foreign travel as well and the exposure to the corresponding foods.  It's looking pretty good with Annika who is now four. 

We were at a Thai restaurant one evening and Annika didn't want to eat.  When I asked her what she would do when we went to Thailand she gave me an odd look and said "you mean this is what they eat there?".  Yes I replied.  And just like that she started eating the rice and pad thai.  We ate Thai quite a bit during her first year.   

 

 

Smartest thing...

...I've done to prepare for the coming of a second child is to freeze lots and lots of food.  In January I started making meals and freezing half.  I made all the things I crave whenever I'm sick or need comfort. There's chicken soup, Italian wedding soup, broccoli-potato soup, minestrone soup, mac and cheese, meat lasagna, chard-mushroom lasagna, pomodoro sauce, pesto sauce, and chocolate chip cookie dough balls.  

I expected to start going through all this after the baby was born.  These last few days I've been so tired and brain dead that we've started digging in. It's come in very, very handy.  After P was born I remember craving home made food. My mom was here at the time and she froze food for us before going back to Florida. It was sweet but most of what she made isn't what my body craved and she only has a rotation of four dishes.  After my DNC neighbors made us food and brought it over.  I hate to say this, but I threw out half of it out. It was awful.  It was either over salted or had no flavor and again not what my body craved when recovering.

After those two experiences I realized I'm finicky about what I eat...or I'm a total control freak.  Either way I figured it was best to take care of it myself.  Yesterday when I was at acupuncture I asked what I could do to help my body recover from birth.  They gave me a list of foods to help my body replenish all the blood it will lose.  And guess what is on that list: chicken soup, preferably home made,  dark greens, lots of veggies and a healthy choice of organic meat.  Everything I've made is what is considered ideal for recovery!!!!  The only thing I need to finish off before the baby is born is the Minestrone soup because it has a good chunk of cabbage which gives nursing babies lots of gas. 

I've been told I worry too much and plan way too far ahead. Right about now I'm seeing this "flaw" as a really good thing.

Why I bake P's Birthday Cakes

I've been meaning to write about this since P's birthday in November.  I'm finally sitting here at my computer and I remembered!!!!

P had an "under the sea/Aerial" birthday theme this year.  I made her cake as usual. It dawned on me this time around why baking her cake is so important to me.  The fondest memory I have of my dad is the last time he came out to visit us.  He was in his last stages of cancer and he made the HUGE effort of flying out for P's birthday.  He flew out from Florida in late November and died in mid January.  That's how far along he was. 

P turned 2 that year.  Her birthday theme was monkeys so I made her a monkey cake.  It was the first time I took the task on myself. I'm not good with icing and yet the cake turned out quite amazing.  I was up till 2am making the thing and my dad stayed up with me.  He sat at the dinner table, next to the kitchen patiently watching. At the time I thought what else does he have to do. Now I know he must have been in a  lot of pain and yet he stayed. When I was done I was so proud of myself and I kept saying "you can't believe what an accomplishment this is for me".  For the very first time in my life I saw the look of pride on my dad's face. He was proud of me for doing something that meant a lot to me.  My dad had never supported any of my interest.  The feeling was amazing and I think it was a new one for both of us.

Since then I swear I can feel my dad when I'm cooking late at night.  When everyone has gone to bed and it's just me and my ingredients I feel he's there, sitting, watching me.  The following year I made a big butterfly cake for P and I felt him subconsciously.  It wasn't until this year that I actually looked forward to a night of baking and I finally figured out why.  It's our annual reunion. 

I will bake P's cakes for as long as I can.  Dave has offered to buy them knowing how much I try to take on for each birthday.  But I told him I'll outsource the food, do the party at another venue but the cake is off limits.  The cake is a way for our entire family, the one living and the one who has passed, to celebrate and stay together. And for me, it's like I get to feel again like I did that night.  I get to feel my father be proud of me. That night of baking was the only time I ever sensed my dad's pride. He never said the words: "I'm proud of you" to me.

These are pictures of P's birthday cakes.  I'm proud of all of them and I think my dad is to.

2nd Birthday: Monkey theme. Chocolate cake with peanut butter frosting

 

My dad with P and me the morning after her party. If you've ever known anyone with cancer you'll recognize the hat. 

3rd Birthday: Chinese theme with a butterfly red-velvet cake

 

4th Birthday: Aerial/Under the Sea. Chocolate cake with buttercream frosting.

Sunday

Today was one of those rare days when it's just P and me and we have no plans. The day evolved but we had a couple of breakthroughs.  First, P is the one who directed what we did and second, we actually cleaned up as we went along!  It usually takes a lot for her to clean up but today she went along with it without a fight or delay.

P pulled out the games and puzzles out of her game drawer after breakfast. First time she's shown an interest. First we played the fishing game. 

You have to collect either the same color or number on the fish until you fill your boat up with 4.  You fish and if you catch the wrong fish you put it back.  It never mattered where I put my bad fish back, or if P saw it. This time she saw I picked up one of her orange fish and saw where I put it back. When it was her turn she went and grabbed it! Too smart!

Next we put a puzzle together. Amazed she seems to figure out the harder pieces first.  I need to stop telling her how I would go about putting it together and let her do her thing. 

Then, we played with her stacking alphabet boxes.  It's been at least a year since she pulled that out! After stacking it I asked her to find certain letters.  She got some but didn't get others. Then, it surprised me to see her looking at the letters on the boxes and drawing them on paper!  Woohoo! She's getting it and she's showing an interest. 

We finally started cleaning up.  She wanted to paint or stamp as I had first suggested. I asked her if we could clean up some mess before starting an art project. We cleaned, she sort of played and cleaned. I did some stuff on the computer.  We cleaned, we played, on got on the computer again. Finally outside. She played, while I cleaned the back yard a bit. Finally we painted. 

I had some lanterns left over from her last birthday.  We decided we could paint them orange and turn them into jack-o-lanterns for Halloween.  

When we finished painting we cleaned it all up! Again, a first! Then we made lunch, salad and quesadilla for me. For her it was salad, quesadilla, apple sauce, probiotic drink and turkey and cheese!  Growth spur? Then she took a nap after lunch.

It's almost 5pm. She's still napping. Neither one of us has gotten out of our pjs. it's been a remarkable day.  I pray we will have days like this till the day she leaves for college.  I really really love my time with P!  I remember it being so hard when she was a baby and then a walking, curious toddler.  The dynamic of being around her has changed. I have a buddy.

Broken Oven

Last week I made strawberry shortcakes with P.  I got the recipe from Orangette and it recommends keeping the dough frozen until you're ready to bake.  The day after I made our first batch the oven stopped working.  It's gas; the stove works but not the oven.  I have to find a repair man quick because me without an oven is like me without an arm.  I literally feel handicapped in the kitchen. 

Dave's Pirate Treasure Map Cake

Today is Dave's birthday. One of the things I love about my husband is that no matter how old he gets he is still a child at heart.  He loves all things pirate.  A few months back I was flipping through a kid's magazine and I saw this pirate cake.  Dave wanted it so that is what I made him for his birthday.  

It was a lot of fun to make.  I'm in awe of whoever came up with the idea.  It's so creative. The entire thing was edible. We bought quite a bit of candy yesterday to make all the elements and then P helped me make the cupcakes.  Birthday cakes have become one of my biggest creative outlets.  I really love making them and I'm starting to wish I worked at Ace of Cakes or some place like that.  

I bought most of the candy at Whole Foods. All the icing is colored with organic food coloring made from fruit or vegetables.  The few items I couldn't find at Whole Foods I bought at Cost Plus. They have a surprising large assortment of candy and not just domestic either.  

 

A treasure chest made out of chocolate nuggets, mini pearls and icing.  A parrot made from a green sugar gum drop. X marks the spot made out of a red M&M and red sugar gum drops. 

 Pirate flag made out of a chocolate covered coconut chew, marshmellows and icing.  I should have gotten chocolate icing to make the eyes but I just couldn't justify buying a tube of it for only 2 dots.

 Volcano made out of chocolate covered coconut chews and icing with red sugar.

 Bones made out of mini marshmelows.

The "sand" was made from smashed up vanilla wafers. And the coins are chocolate.

Sushi

Sushi. The one meal I never have to beg her to eat!  Amazing!  She loooooves raw salmon and yellow tail. In fact, she dislikes California Rolls.  I can't eat sushi while I'm on my "fertility diet" so we stopped at Whole Foods for her sushi and my salad bar. 

Poquito Mas

I had a mishap in the kitchen last night. I've spent a good portion of the day cleaning it but it's still in disarray.  Because of the mess I decided to stop off at Poquito Mas to have lunch with P after school.  Did you all know they give the kids a little ball of dough to play with?  It's brilliant. I loved it so much more than crayons! And so did P.

Breakfast Pizza

One of my favorite recipes to make is Breakfast Pizza from the Big Sur Bakery Cookbook.  Everyone in the family loves it. I tend to get into "recipe" routines. I  crank out the same thing for a couple weeks before I move on to the next best thing. Lately, the pizza has been it.

The dough recipe yields two pizzas. Over the weekend, when I made it, we were only three so there was a whole pie left over.  When D went to put it away I said "don't put it in the fridge. It'll get yucky." and he replied "what do you want me to do with it then?".   I blurted out the first thing that came to mind "I want you to put it on a pedestal under a soft heat lamp to keep it just perfect the way it is right now."  That's what came to mind and that's what I said.  One of the perks of being married is that you can often say whatever crazy thing comes to mind and your spouse knows better than to think you're crazy....or at least they are legally bound to not take off running.  

So, D started to draw a pedestal on our chalk wall!  See, he indulges my crazy. The perfect complement to me. 

I'm so proud of myself for making this recipe. I've finally got it down to a science and it's so good. I don't know, there is something about this recipe that makes the day start off just right.  You can find it here in the New York Times online.