Friday, October 23, 2009

The Pre-pregnancy list

I went to the dentist today. Second of two visits to get a "half crown" finished. I can tolerate pain in most places on my body but my mouth NO WAY. Thank God babies don't come out of our mouths.

I had not been to the dentist in so long I'm embarrassed to say when exactly. It was time, and it is one of the last items on my list of things to get done before I'm pregnant again. The list's contents go something like this: start taking vitamins on a daily basis, get a physical, get lump on breast checked, see dentist, get hair colored. I just need to make my gray hair disappear so I can be in my early 30's again.

Yes, it's time to stop trying to not get pregnant. I've been pregnant twice. The first time was with P. The second time I had to terminate the pregnancy at 6 months because our baby had hydrocephalus. It's a condition where the head fills with fluid and prevents the brain from developing. In our case, the baby had no cerebellum.

The two pregnancies were very different. Hindsight is 20-20, but the second one felt off from the beginning. So, being a former athlete with all my superstitions well rehearsed I'm going back to the things I did with P just for good luck.

The decision to have children was one my husband and I discussed since our first date. Yep, I'm the kind of girl who sits down with a guy on a first date and says "I want to be married and starting a family by the time I'm 35". And my husband is the kind of guy who doesn't scare easily. He rises to the challenge. Except, it took him 3 years to be 100% confident he could be a good father. Ok, 90%, 80% ...somewhere around there.

When we were both ready it was more of a "it'll happen when it happens" mindset than a "what time of the month is it?". To our surprise it happened on the first shot and because we were both so busy it took 9 weeks to realize I needed to take a pregnancy test.

The second pregnancy was planned. Scheduled. I tracked everything on the calender. Periods, sex, results of pregnancy tests; it was all written down. We wanted the kids close together so I was kind of in a rush. I also didn't want to go through the third trimester during the summer again. I wanted an early spring delivery and therefore I had a window of time to get the job started. I took the magic out of the process.

This time I want to relish the entire process. I want to let this next child choose when he or she wants to come into our lives. I want to enjoy the sex with my husband and feel the same way I did on the afternoon we conceived P. I don't mean to sound corny but it felt peaceful and magical. I couldn't have loved another human being more than I loved my husband. I think it was that feeling that made P.

I am scared to conceive again. I'm scared of going through anything like the last pregnancy. Or, even worse, I'm scared of not detecting complications until the child is born. However, yesterday I was in the car when I got a brief feeling about the next child. It was a good feeling. Something whispered to me and said " this next one you will meet" and I had a brief vision of holding a baby after delivery.

I know it sounds hokey to have visions. Except, every great thing in my life I have visualized before it came into my life. So, I know my third child is out there somewhere in the universe. My dear child we are waiting for you. Your father, your sister and me, are all thinking about you and want you in our lives. We are ready when you're ready. We love you already more than you'll ever know.